Your Nerdy Best Friend

Ooohhhh, I cannot believe how funny this is! Abbott and Costello buy a computer. Read the dialog below, and if you’ve ever heard their “Who’s on First?” routine, you’ll hear their voices in your head. Or just scroll down to watch the spoof video. (Original author: Tom King)

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Costello calls and wants to buy a computer from Abbott…

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Hi. Yes, I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1.”

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1.”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It’s pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that Word is the real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on “START”……….

A 2012 survey found that more than half of us spend 10-20 minutes on hold every week, which adds up to 13 hours a year and 43 days in a lifetime. How irritating is that? You can save time and sanity by using a service that will sit on hold for you.

Lucyphone

Just search for the company you’d like to contact using the Lucyphone apps or website, and the site will call them for you and then give you a call when they finally get a human on the line.

GetHuman

You can also visit the very helpful GetHuman site, which lists the phone numbers and secret pathways to a live operator. GetHuman also works with Lucyphone for the callback service, plus it connects you directly with live chat systems and offers the best email address for getting results.

TalkTo

TalkTo is an almost unnerving site. You can find any business — and I mean any business — even my old freelance writing biz was listed — and send a text or online question. Somehow, some way, TalkTo finds someone to answer your question. Then you can get the response via email, text or online. TalkTo operators act as conduits, and it’s a little strange because the TalkTo rep — not the company — will respond, but they do it in first person as if the company was talking directly to you. Still, it’s an amazing way to find out if your local bakery has red velvet cupcakes without picking up the phone.

How would YOU use a Fancy Hands assistant this week? Fancy Hands is one of my very favorite and most helpful small business resources. They offer freelance assistants to do small tasks for you for five bucks each or less.

I have the biggest package (25 tasks for $65/month), and I will share five tasks with you (they expire May 30).

Just leave a comment below on what you would do with a personal assistant, and you may win! I’ll pick my favorite tasks to give five people a hand next week. I even assigned a task to Fancy Hands to have an actual assistant chime in with real feedback about the task ideas. 

Make sure you leave your email so I can reward you. All entries must be received by Friday at 2 p.m. Pacific!

You should watch this video to see what Fancy Hands can do!

WE HAVE WINNERS! Read below to see what Fancy Hands had to say about the best types of tasks for their service:

I would have them research the best storage system for digital photographs. I have almost completely filled my hard drive with hundreds of gigabytes of digital images. I need input as to the best resource for either online storage, or what kind of system I should set up for back up and storage. Being a Realtor and photographer, I have loads of photos I work with. This would solve a huge problem I have right now. Thanks!

Why? Because I know how it is to fill up storage with digital pics! Plus we have gurus here that can definitely help with that.

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I’m planning a big trip in a few weeks through Minneapolis and Chicago and would love help tracking down the best places eat and explore!

We are great at planning itineraries!

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I want to find out the best item to buy that would allow me to work on my laptop and my ipad outside during the summer months. The sun is too bright for me to be able to see what’s on the screen. There has to be some type of gadget I could use to take the glare off the screen. (Yes, I could go in the shade; but I really prefer to be basking in the sun!)

I completely agree! (To be perfectly honest, if we find that product, I’ll be snagging one up to!)

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forward an excel database for upload to a message that I will create later…

We are great with this kind of things!

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I have a business trip to Copenhagen coming up the first week in June. I’ve never been there and still haven’t researched the destination at all! Although I won’t have a lot of free time while I’m there, it would be a huge help if someone could research public transportation, a couple of reasonable places to eat, and just 1 or 2 not-to-miss things to do. Thanks!

Again, we are great with helping planning trips and this is right up our alley.

I love all the requests for house cleaning. I’d be a member of Fancy Hands myself if we offered house cleaning!

I’m so proud of Anne Lupkoski, the certification chair for the Central Canada Division of the International Association of Administrative Professionals. She asked for my recommendations to create an online booklet with testimonials. I advised that she use PowerPoint to create a PDF and upload it to Issuu, a site that turns your documents into online magazines. Voila! A masterpiece is born.

Bonus tool! Check out how Anne used a Tagxedo word cloud on page 51 to capture the spirit of the certification.

My gift to you! Enjoy these sample chapters from Beth Z’s first book, “Upgrade to Free: The Best Free and Low-Cost Online Tools and Apps.”

Do you sometimes find yourself in need of a quick headline or word graphic with a little flair, but you don’t necessarily want to download a new font that you’ll only use once?

Don’t worry! It’s Jing to the rescue again. My favorite solution for this challenge is to visit Dafont.com, a repository of approximately a kabillion fonts. Then I enter the phrase I want to capture in a graphic, then use Jing to cut it out and save. Then I have a graphic I can use in a Word doc, on the web or anywhere else. This also solves the challenge of using an unusual font that would convert into something vanilla like Arial if you shared it in a document that others open.

Another hint… if you want more than a black-and-white graphic, go ahead and download the font, format the word the way you want, then do the screencapture from your own document. And if you want to do more with screencaptures, try Snagit, Jing’s awesome big brother.

Watch this 64-second video to see how it’s done!

Is your Gmail inbox a big mess? Use these apps and addons to take control and get through your emails.

I stood in line behind 750k people waiting for my turn to install the Mailbox App on my iPhone. Was it worth the wait? Watch this Deep Dive video for a full review.

How DO you pronounce Ziesenis?

Thanks to Kevin MacLeod for the awesome soundtrack!

Whuda thunk that technology startups would seek to make teleconferencing more fun? The new options for meeting people via phone are very cool indeed. Instead of the traditional phone number and PIN code, the new systems connect with the web, smart devices and your computer with just a click of a button rather than a series of pound signs and access codes.

One shiny new tool is Speek. Go to their app or the site, and you’re prompted to create a private URL for your teleconferences. Then send that link to your invitees, and they can connect through devices or computers. The system will even call out to participants at their desktops or dial a phone for them through a device.

On your Speek site, you can watch the interactions, mute and unmute callers and invite more attendees. You can also drop files into the web interface to share with others. Speek even offers to create a Dropbox folder for your account that will save the shared documents.

UberConference is similar to Speek with a limit of five participants, but you can earn spots for up to 17 by spreading the word. When people call in, they show up on your own UberConference web page, and from there you can share files, record the session, mute or unmute participants and more. When people speak, their icons (or pictures if they’ve hooked up their accounts) pop to the top of the screen.

If you pay for the UberConference pro version, the system will actually call participants for you at the appointed time. And iOS and Android apps let you take all the features on the go with you.

If you’re not ready for web-based audio conferencing, there’s always the reliable free conference call companies such as the appropriately named FreeConferenceCall.com. I’ve long relied on sites like FreeConferenceCall.com for a free phone number and PIN that I can share for teleconferences. Up to 96 attendees can join in by dialing a regular old U.S. phone number. The attendees incur regular charges for making a long-distance call, and no one has to pay any extra. Because so many people have flat-rate plans for calling or lots of minutes through their business accounts, there’s no need to feel guilty for not offering a toll-free number.